My Family Food Journey Series: Article 1
Over the years I have come across a few mindsets that I thought could be helpful in sharing with others seeing how much they have helped us. They aren’t the orthodox food rules our grandparents raised our parents with, but I’m no anarchist, just a pragmatic, logical kind of a person. So, bear with me, and if this makes sense to you too, awesome. If not, I hope you enjoy the read nonetheless. We all know that there is no one-size-fits-all. Find your flow; I’m so glad to have found mine and one of the big changes toward this groove was in this particular area. So sit back, relax and sip on your coffee as I unpack our personal experience in this area.
“Eat everything on your plate”
“If you don’t eat all your food there’s no ice cream/ anything else to eat”
“You aren’t leaving the table until all your food has gone”
“Well done for eating all your food”
Sound familiar? They are to me! In many capacities and scenarios. Having had these things said to me, having said these things to my kids myself, hearing others saying them to my kids (yes you read that correctly, OTHER people commenting across the table at my kids), and overheard others saying it to their kids. These are commonly accepted and instilled mindsets still today. Rules I do genuinely understand and respect that others may see the value in.
I was unaware though, of their existence in myself. That is, until my daughter was eating food I prepared and they unearthed. Like a dormant seed which after years of stasis, out of nowhere gets watered and suddenly sprouts… there they were! Very apparent, aggressively apparent in fact, in how they manifested out of me. Much like many a parent who, in addressing their kids, says something we had never before said, but suddenly in that moment instantly recognise it’s familiarity… that was said to me as a kid!
These phrases which flew from my mouth were uninvited, unplanned, and weren’t even a well thought through strategy of tackling whatever behaviour I was faced with addressing my kids on in that moment. Just an off the cuff, throw away response. I quickly started to think through these retorts and wondered if they even made any sense. Stuff that I hadn’t heard or had said around me in like 20-30 years suddenly leapt out of our mouth, taking me aback- sometimes due to it’s absurdity much of the time. Sometimes these jack-in-the-box responses work, make sense and we are grateful for them, but sometimes we don’t feel they have a place in our home, for our child, or for how we are parenting. So we then have some rewinding and un-doing to action. The above-mentioned quotes were some of the ones I deemed un-useful for my circumstances, which I went about un-doing in my life.
At my wits end, as many parents are, at feeding time, I noticed myself huffing, barking and pushing these reactionary/ preprogrammed orders on my kids. Not a great atmosphere at feeding time, not for the kids nor myself. It was usually this straw (the food prep, feeding-time-at-the-zoo drama straw) breaking the camel’s (my) back each day. Not only did I not understand why there was quite so much frustration behind it for me (maybe I was just exhausted by that time of the day) and my not liking how it made me turn into the Hulk, but increasingly the actual message I heard myself passing on to my daughter just didn’t make any sense to me when I really thought about it! I didn’t feel these phrases sent the message I actually believed in or wanted my kids to learn and take on board. Something was shifting in me and I welcomed it with open arms. Not only because I seemed incapable of remaining cool and calm doing things the way I had been, but because the original message was redundant and actually unhelpful (even harmful) in my eyes as I began to question and decipher it more. It was time for change. Daunting and exciting.
Ultimately the answer on this for us came through asking myself questions there seemed no sensible answers for: Why should she eat everything on her plate? Maybe she isn’t that “hungry” today. If she isn’t needing food right now, whether through choice (namely will and protest) at what was being fed to her, or by sincere physical lack of requirement to said food, so why would she HAVE to eat it- either way? She wasn’t lacking in weight or had any health issues. So why? No sensible answer! There simply wasn’t a good reason to make her eat everything on her plate. Surely food is only necessary (let alone insisted upon and forced) when it’s supply levels are low and we have a rare opportunity to eat- but that’s more for extreme survival scenarios. As much as being a parent with wilful children can most certainly feel like just that- an extreme survival scenario, we weren’t in a situation where food was scarce, life or death, nor did we had a time limiting opportunity to eat, so for now that just wasn’t a necessary mind set for us.
Furthermore I began to understand that if I were to insist that she eat when she didn’t want or potentially didn’t need to, that I could end up tampering/ interfering with the digestive mechanism which let’s our bodies know when to eat and equally important, when to stop eating, ultimately that of being in touch with those messages and allowing ourselves to listen and respond to it accordingly. We know when we are hungry because our body lets us know, or we see the effects of needing to eat and recognise them. I get shaky and quite aggressive (‘hangry’ to coin a phrase) when I’m hungry. Similarly, when we are full our bodies also let us know, however this latter mechanism in particular is one somewhat abused, ignored and neglected. I strongly believe that this ignoring has exacerbated and contributed to wider issues. Issues like comfort eating, guilt after eating, poor food choices, feeling out of control etc. We need to use this mechanism, not ignore or over-ride it, let alone raise my kids to do just that.
So if she is not hungry and I’m making her eat (and eat everything on her plate at that)… that just does’t make sense to me. Actually it seems detrimental. Their bodies already (granted when working “normally, healthily”) let them know when it’s needed. What is becoming apparent though and was the case for me and my little family, was that I needed to teach/ encourage my kids to LISTEN to their bodies. I recognised in myself and in the wider culture around us, that I have not only ignored my body’s messages (both internal and external) relating to food, but forcibly over ridden them for so long that I wasn’t even able to recognise those signals anymore, let alone listen to them, which then took me into a territory of low self control and guilt surrounding food. Unwittingly, ignoring the ‘you are full, time to stop’ messages or indeed many other messages, I struggled to stop, even when noticing those signals. Will power also subsequently being affected in the wider implications of not trusting and listening to our bodies. I could see it plain as day, evidence all around me really, that this wasn’t the direction I wanted to go.
My goal became to equip them to be and feel in control of their bodies and relationship with food. Importantly, for it to be a great, healthy, enjoyable relationship at that! Here are some of the thing’s I’ve started to say instead:
“If you are hungry/ needing to eat, then eat…here is your food”
“If you aren’t ready to eat then no need to eat, your food will be here for you when you are ready”
“When you are full, stop eating/ take a break. You can eat the rest later if you still need more”
“Listen to your body”
“Look after your body”
“Make good choices for your body”
Hardly scandalous is it? It’s in the context of balance too; we still have snacks ‘just because’ and my kids are welcome to help themselves to fruit and veg. We don’t just eat when we need to or are hungry, but we DON’T make our kids eat everything on their plate, or indeed eat when they don’t need to. We enjoy a varied and nutritious diet mostly and from time to time enjoy not-so-healthy food. It’s all in balance. We enjoy chocolate, regularly, yes I’m mindful of quantities, but we don’t abstain. I’ve been training and encouraging my kids to make healthy choices for themselves:
- I ask them to think about how much sugar they have had in order to decide whether or not to have that slush puppy or kinder egg now or whether to wait until tomorrow or later to enjoy it. They have started to make these choices unprompted, owning it for themselves are more than I did as a young adult. They don’t see it as a punishment because it’s not a ‘no’ it’s a ‘not yet’ and they are informed about it.
- They also know a little about food science, namely vitamins, minerals, fibre, the need for a varied diet in order to get a cross-section of them all (and how they link with the body) needed by the body and that healthy food is needed not just to fuel the body (energy) with calories, but importantly to nourish it and keep it working as it should with said vitamins and minerals. My son in particular loves knowing which foods can help make him strong and run fast. This helps them to view food not just purely as a flavour orientated pleasure, but also as a resource and tool. He would often excitedly eat food he wasn’t necessarily a fan of because of the outcomes it would support in his body.
- They know that taste is nice, but sometimes it’s not always our favourite flavour and to keep trying little bites each time we have that particular not-favourite flavour. Some flavours just take a little more getting used to. Just because they don’t like it now doesn’t mean it won’t be served up again, nor that it isn’t a great ‘healthy choice’ they can still score on in nutritional ways.
- I remind them to eat a bit slower (when needed) so they can manage their quantities and chew well so they don’t choke but also help their digestion. I never thought I’d have to train a kid not to eat fast but my son does (and always has)! The value in reminding him to eat slower when I notice him inhaling his food is: he can chew it better (better for digestion) and it enables his body to receive the message to ‘stop’ before it’s too late and he has already eaten so much his tummy hurts, which was a regular occurrence. He is then unhappy (and in pain) so he sees the value in just slowing down a little more. It also enables him to enjoy the flavour longer particularly with say chocolates.
- When they are saying they are full but want to continue to eat because the food tastes so nice I casually encourage them to have a break and to finish it off a little later when their body is more ready, more comfortable. Or, I offer to keep it aside for their lunch tomorrow. I reassure them they aren’t missing out. It’s not a lost opportunity and it’s wonderful they are so enjoying the flavour but taking a little breather/ break and coming back a little later IF they still want to, is not missing out. Sometimes I only ask them to wait 5-15minutes before they continue, or serve the seconds they have asked for. Having that little break helps them make a true decision about whether they still want/ need more and is a great skill to have, comes so much easier when it’s from a young age than trying to have self control as an adult after years of not.
These messages, like with all things in a parents world, have needed constant, regular, reinforcement, regurgitation and repetition to mind-numbing degrees, but they have really have helped. It convinces and reassures me that we are on the right track/ found what suits us. The proof is in the pudding (I love a well placed pun, forgive me).
I didn’t know how to do this stuff, especially evident when I left home and went to uni and was now the one responsible for ALL my food choices, what to eat, how much, when etc. For me this was a big step! I wanted to make that step a little smaller for my kids by having them start sooner than I did on this methodology and with the support to implement it in a happy, non stressful way with my oversight and support. I truly, from experience, knew the lessons I wanted to be deliberate about passing to my kids, to build a strong foundation and equip them. One based on and identified by the areas I learnt were valuable/ necessary from my own experience. I reinforce positive messages to them now. Messages I know helped me to get to the place I am now with food and my attitudes about it. What is also invaluable about all this, is that their experience with food/ meal times is much happier and positive than it was before we figured all this out. Stress at mealtimes can definitely impact how we relate and feel about food.
Don’t get me wrong, we all know how clever our little munchkins can be and how skilled they are at pushing any and all boundaries. This was no different! We just had to repeat, communicate and stand firm on what we were saying. But this time it was easy because I so believed in and was clear about what our stand was and what the message was. I’m not saying they took to it like a duck to water, nor am I saying I don’t still have moments where I want to pull my hair out. I used to get frustrated that they hadn’t eaten the food I’d made, but now the frustration has shifted from the food to instead having to repeat myself and reinforce the message. I think thats a great shift of frustration.
So when necessary, here are some of the things which comes out of my mouth in those instances. They have come out so often (and I have remained consistent with them) that the kids are familiar with these phrases and reassurances so they are much quicker in moving on from the conversation. They also know what I’m going to say so they sometimes just don’t bother. They still try it on, but they know where they (and I) stand on this and it defuses much of the tension we would have had prior to this stance:
“I’m sorry it’s not the taste and food you would have chosen, but that’s what I have done for today. It’s only one meal. Tomorrow you might prefer what I prepare.”
“I understand! It’s totally up to you, either you can eat it because you are hungry or you can stay hungry because you choose not to eat that. Your choice. I’m happy with whatever you choose.”
“No probs. I will leave it here for you in case you change your mind. But the option to eat it won’t be there after 6pm because we will be getting ready for bed”.
If they go on and on, around in circles, repeating themselves I get to a point where I say:
“I have heard you and I understand. I’m bored of talking about this. Eat or don’t but DO NOT talk about it anymore please. If you do continue to nag me then there will be a consequence.”
That way there isn’t a consequence or negative stress regarding food, it’s about the nagging.
Having explained a little about my ethos on food, let’s go back to the comments I mentioned at the start and respond to each individually:
“Eat everything on your plate”
(Why? Perhaps they don’t want/ need to. When they are ready they will let me know.)
“If you don’t eat all your food there’s no ice cream/ anything else to eat”
(Why would I want anyone to consume a plate of food with the motivation being to get more food? Particularly when they are presumably (for me to have said that in the first place) indicating that they don’t want to eat at the moment? I understand that sometimes we want kids to eat their veg and using bribery to get them to eat healthier stuff is totally understandable by dangling the carrot of a sweet treat, but I feel this confused and convoluted our relationship with food and I believe there is a better, simpler way to achieve that.
Very rarely do I use sweets or sweet treats as a reward for anything. We allow and enjoy these things as part of a balanced diet and mentality regarding food, but it’s not something we use as a reward. I have found this extremely detrimental and from experience I know the unhelpful mindsets and habits this angle can instil because of how I viewed them.
If we have an ice cream, we have an ice cream on it’s own merit, as a stand-alone event, separate from meals, finishing food, eating all our veggies and certainly not tied to it being a reward as it’s something we can enjoy regardless of reward.)
“You aren’t leaving the table until all your food has gone”
(Again, I just don’t feel there is a place to use eating as a motivation for any outcome other than perhaps sustenance. Namely, eating a plate of food in order to get down from the table, isn’t something I felt was a good motivation.
By all means there are many times when I ask the kids to observe good table manners by sitting and waiting with others while we are eating and encourage them to take part in conversation. But again, I don’t allow the focus to be the food, more on manners and time together. I don’t make them eat while they are having family time at the table, and in order to leave they don’t have to have finished their food. Equally at a restaurant if we have ordered food which isn’t finished/ eaten we just take the leftovers home with us for them to have later when they may want food/ feel peckish etc. It’s not a waste of money and takes away the stress. This has also encouraged and taught the importance of not wasting food either. This has enabled us to avoid those times when we have been to a restaurant, paid, come home and the kids ask for food. This way if there was left over food, we offer that to them if that is asked once we get home. )
“Well done for eating all your food”
(I particularly find this one an issue and yet equally have caught myself saying it. Why would I make eating a certain amount of food (whether because they needed to or were instructed to) a performance based activity worthy of praise or scrutiny of any kind?
The only time I say ‘well done’ with regards to consuming food is to encourage them for trying something new, or re-tasting a food they have already and didn’t like and giving it another go.
When it does come to this I DO allow my kids to spit it out. I remember that I wouldn’t try food because I was scared I wouldn’t like it and was worried that I’d have to swallow it. That was terrifying to me as a kid so I wouldn’t put it in my mouth. It was very difficult for me, so I tried to learn from that in how I handled this with my kids. By allowing them to lick it first, pop it in their mouth without chewing and once chewing- to spit it out if they really found it too repulsive to swallow all allowed them to feel in control of that. Even if they do spit it out I still say ‘well done for giving it a go’ and encourage them that we’ll try it again sometime and see if their tastebuds have changed at all. This has meant they are less resistant to trying new stuff or trying stuff they don’t like again.
Having said all this (about not making my kids finish everything on their plate), I hope you have gathered that that DOESN’T mean that I then give them something else in place of said food on plate, or allow them to eat other stuff. Once I have given them their food, we don’t waste that food. When they are hungry or ask for food I remind them that their food is already served, waiting and ready for them to eat, when they are ready. THAT plate of food is the food that is provided at this time until the end of the day if they are wanting/ needing food. Nothing else is on offer. I remind them that this isn’t a punishment, rather this is me providing them with food and the rest is over to them. In the whole 10 years we have been doing this I can count on one hand how rarely my son opted not to eat at all. And when he did that he felt in control of that decision. It wasn’t from the angle of ‘mom starved me’, but rather ‘I really didn’t like what mom fed me today, and I’m pleased I wasn’t forced to eat it. I oped not to have it. Tomorrow is a new day’.
This is what has worked for us, with great results. It’s still not easy when I go to the effort of planning, shopping, prepping and cooking for them to then not like it/ not want to eat it. But this is a better outcome in my eyes than me: forcing them to eat something they don’t like or aren’t hungry enough to have, rewarding them for eating when they don’t need/ want to, to have something more to eat or to get down from the table, making them eat a quantity that their bodies could have been indicating they’d had enough of/ were full when ideally they ought to be stopping, rewarding them overriding their ‘full’ signal and further filling them up on ice cream.
None of those things make sense to me or seem like a good course of action.
Making these changes and upholding them hasn’t been easy. Not only for within our household but with others who don’t think the same way. I totally respect that other people may make their kids finish their plate and I’d never interject or judge, but I equally expect the same respect to be extended to us pertaining to our methods and ethos when it comes to how we are raising our kids. I remember a very awkward situation when at someone’s house over dinner time. They started to comment on how much/ how little my kids had eaten, started telling them to hurry up and then went on to threaten that there would be no dessert unless they finished and hurried up about it. This person meant no harm, however we have these ethos’s in place because we felt that those comments/ rules were not helpful, healthy or positive (never mind it being out of turn). I know they didn’t like me advocating for my kids (it wasn’t exactly comfortable for me having to do so) or for reiterating that we didn’t prescribe to that idea/ those requirements, but you know what?! I equally didn’t like what they were saying to my kids. So, I clarified, speaking to my children that if they had had enough/ didn’t want any more they they were making a good decision to stop. I continued, that there would be no punishment for not eating everything on their plate and of all things to certainly not hurry up and rush, particularly not in order to get ice cream- especially if they were already full. I continued that they could take their time.
Awkward? Yes! Necessary, important, significant and powerful even? Also yes. Not only were they too young to have been able to navigate this on their own, so it was my job to speak up and hold the boundary for them, which I unapologetically did, but I was also modelling and setting an example for my kids to learn how to stand their ground, not be bullied or panic in the face of being pressured about something we didn’t agree with. Yes it was only about food (this time), but what a valuable life lesson. I meant no disrespect to this person, but I HAD to say something because I would NOT have them made to eat it all, pressured, judged and punished all in one meal… no siree! If I don’t do that to my kids, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t have someone else doing it over my head!
I feel passionately about the decisions and choices we have carefully made for our family. I share all of this today with you only in the hope that it can possibly be helpful. If you haven’t found it helpful, please disregard and get on with your day. I hope that at the very least you enjoyed reading a bit about us and how we are muddling our way through. We are all just doing our best! Keep going and we wish you all the best in your journeys.
(Written by Nicole Allen (Coffee Cups and Cuddles), Aug 2018. Edited March 2021)
